can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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