I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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