I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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