you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
