He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
