can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
