If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
