it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
