Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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