I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
