Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
one might say we're banned from that church
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
