she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize