Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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