We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize