I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
