I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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