I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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