I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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