Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
