:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Randomize
