sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
