K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
