I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
is it fun? or sober?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
