They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
