I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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