I've blown a few things in my day
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
