phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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