Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Someone signed my nipple.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
