Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
