Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
