Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
