There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
