I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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