I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
