i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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