my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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