Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
