I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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