Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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