Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize