Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
