Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize