dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
