Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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