the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
