Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
