As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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