my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
