Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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