the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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