i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
