Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
They took my balls.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
