FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
