it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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