I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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