then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
