He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize