I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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