I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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