it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
