The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
