I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
