im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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