i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
