Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
it's like iHOP with fire
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
