It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
